I’ve always been the type of person with plans, and I always knew what I was going to do next. I was accepted to FIDM as a junior in high school. I skipped the phase that most seniors experience. I already knew ahead of time where I’d be.
I'm an extremely organized and polished person. I know what I want and I know what it takes to get it. I manifest just about everything that I put my mind to. However, I’m currently at a place in my life where I don’t know what happens next. It’s the unknown that scares me and I’m unsure how to remedy this feeling.
I suppose that I’m feeling the same way many college graduates feel, but this feeling of not knowing what will occur next is scary. In addition, I feel that there are so many different fields that I can successfully invest myself in. I posted a picture on Instagram last month where I outlined my paradoxical thoughts about myself. In case you haven’t seen it, I wrote the following:
"I've recently come to the conclusion that I am a paradox. I'm extremely analytical, but also creative. I enjoy being around people, yet I'm independent. I'm easy-going, but I also like knowing things & having set plans. I am an introverted extrovert & an extroverted introvert. In so many different aspects of my life, I'm at both ends of the spectrum. This confuses me because I feel like I'm 800 different people with 800 different passions & life goals. But despite all the craziness, it makes me the person I am today. I've always been a fan of puzzles but I don't know if I'll ever figure out the biggest one yet - life. And I think that that's tragically beautiful."
I’m currently waiting to hear back from a certain school about whether or not I’ll be attending this fall. The waiting is excruciating because I know that I did everything in my power to get accepted, including having a 3.98 GPA and taking an extra 42 units in six months while simultaneously attending FIDM full-time. I just need at least 27 quarter units out of my 90 to transfer to the UC school system. Nine classes from a private college have to be considered up-to-par with the public college system.
This has also made applying to jobs a little harder for me. I’m still attending a community college and taking 18 units. I can’t apply for any full-time jobs because I can only work part-time. At the same time, I can’t help but be prepared for a rejection (in the slight chance that happens and not enough units transfer (thanks a lot FIDM)) and apply for full-time jobs. In addition, all of this plays a large role in where I’m going to be living once the lease is up on my DTLA apartment.
I’m in a strange predicament filled with many unknowns and questions about the future. I’m experiencing an unfamiliar feeling and to be honest, I’m not a fan. I’m working on getting back on track and becoming a polished person again. By the end of April, I plan on once again being the organized person you all know. In the meantime, I'll be back to posting my usual curated blog posts next week. I just felt the need to publish my thoughts in the hopes that others might relate and be able to offer advice. I’ll keep you updated, so follow along on my journey. On the bright side, baseball season has begun and I can somewhat distract myself with the sport that I love.